I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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