Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
