Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
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