watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize