Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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