You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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