i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
she peed on how many people?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
