he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
