mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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