Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
