nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
