My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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