why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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