I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
