Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
