Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
