I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
