I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
