I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize