so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
