my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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