whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
