My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
