over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize