remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
