we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
She needs sedatives and a leash
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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