I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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