the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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