Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
