O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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