The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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