So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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