wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
