I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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