Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize