Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
