my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
