I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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