Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
