This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
