I have demons in me.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
