the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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