Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
