if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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