I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize