It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
