i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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