he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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