so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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