Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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