More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
