You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
