i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
