I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
