Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
