So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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