Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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