finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
