Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize