Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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