i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
