I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
