Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
