My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
