i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
