Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
