I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
