I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
3 2 1 whiskey
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
