i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
